From the Vault: A Baker's Dozen of Intelligent Swords

 As my brain starts churning through all the possibilities behind running a Black Pudding-fueled old-school campaign, I couldn't help but bump the following post. Every single one of these will certainly be appearing in the upcoming games...


Continuing with the Baker's Dozen feature, here are 13 intelligent magical swords and their personalities for you to drop into your game to your players' amusement (or dismay, as the case may be).

Note: As with yesterday's NPCs, there are no stats here - just names and personalities/distinctive features and a quote. Feel free to add whatever mechanical traits you feel befit these swords.

  1. SpleenSplitter, a foul-mouthed, war mongering blade. It gets so wrapped up in battle that it forces its wielder to continue to mutilate the bodies of its victims beyond recognition, spewing the foulest curse words the whole time. "You ****! You mother-****ing **** of a ****! How you ****ing like that **** you ****!"
  2. Milady, a beautifully crafted sword with a low, sensual female voice. She has the personality of a cruel dominatrix, though, and expects to be worshiped by her wielder. "That's right - lick that blade clean! I don't care if your tongue's bleeding - I said lick it!"
  3. The Defiler, a normal-looking blade that seems to have a normal personality, until it's fighting the undead, at which point it takes on a skeezy, pervy demeanor. "You like that?! Yeah - you like it?! Take it! Stick me in him! Deeper! Yeah!"
  4. Bloodspitter, a perfect, gleaming silver blade, talks like C-3PO. Has an obsessive-compulsive need to stay clean and a powerful aversion to blood. "Oh god - oh god, there's so much blood! I think I'm going to be sick! Turn me away! I can't look!"
  5. Gloombringer, a dull gray metallic blade that never gleams or shines, even in the brightest light. Speaks in a slow, droning tone. Always going on about how useless it is to try to improve one's situation and has a fatalistic outlook when it comes to slaughter. "They would have died anyway. Better to cut them down now and save them a life of misery and torment."
  6. Nightrider, a shadow-black blade with a psychotic nature and an Australian accent. "Toecutter! Can ya see me man!"
  7. Blasphemis, a dirty sword, in both appearance and nature. It sounds like Andrew Dice Clay, and its crassness and its knowledge of curse words know no bounds. "(As the victim's head is lopped off:) I always said he gave good head! Whoa!"
  8. Doomfrost, a pale blade that's always covered with a thin rime of ice and that has the personality of a Scandinavian black metal rocker. In battle, it's always screaming and disparaging its enemies. Outside of battle, it's constantly singing in deep growls and ear-piercing shrieks.
  9. Redeemer, an austere blade with the nature of a religious zealot. Believes that everyone it slays is "saved," and it's on a holy crusade to save everyone. "Rejoice, brother! (As it impales a victim.) Your salvation is at hand!"
  10. Magnificus, a massive blade with a booming voice, needs to be the center of attention and always seems to be overcompensating for something.  "Who's got no thumbs and totally rocks? This guy right here!"
  11. Ralph, an unremarkable blade, always talks in slurred words as if it were drunk. "This guy's my best friend! I love you, buddy!"
  12. Cleavus and Cuthead, a set of paired swords - you already know their personalities. "Fire! Fire!" "Dude. Heheh. Heh."
Image from


Post a Comment